The year of 2014 was marked with a plethora of terrible events, including the rise of ISIL in Syria, the spread of the Ebola virus, and another young black man shot by a white police officer that sparked riots in America.
But while there’s every reason to expect that 2015 will have an equal or greater share of horrendous news to bear, I’m going to play the angel’s advocate on this one and offer a somewhat rosier view of predictions.
Without further ado:. Taliban supreme commander Mullah Omar becomes the 2.3 billionth viewer of the video Gangnam Style on YouTube. He enjoys the video so much that he declares an end to hostilities with the west and devotes himself to a fanatical amount of time mastering Pop Psy’s moves.
. Global warming mysteriously and unexpectedly stops of its own accord, confounding and astounding scientists the world over. Smug conservative talk show hosts point out that they knew it all along, and call for an immediate return to H2 Hummer production.
. In a surprising turn of events that completely upends Leonard Cohen’s 1988 dissertation on poverty and wealth, the gap between the richest and the poorest shrinks considerably. Economists declare it to be a disaster for business.
. Canadians elect Liberal leader Justin Trudeau to the office of prime minister, who upon winning the election declares live on CBC that, "there’s more to leadership than just being really, really, really ridiculously good looking."
. The overpaid, underworked executives at BC Ferries, coming to the realization that their service is a monopoly and doesn’t
require expensive advertisements at Rogers Arena, continues to run the public company into the ground. Sorry, not even I can be optimistic about this train wreck.
. Voters approve a referendum allowing a 0.5 per cent sales tax increase to go toward transit improvements in Metro Vancouver. But in a sudden and completely unexpected turn of events, Bill Vander Zalm emerges from the wilds to once again decry the tax as being "regressive" and onerous on working families. After a Herculean campaign of misinformation, a second referendum passes repealing the tax.
. Canadians once again marvel at the changing of the seasons and, despite there being fixed dates, will endlessly debate whether one has begun or ended.
. The Vancouver Canucks meet the Toronto Maple Leafs in the Stanley Cup Finals. With one or both teams certain to choke in epic, historic fashion, league commissioner Gary Bettman declares the results invalid and hands the Cup to
. George RR Martin announces he will have to delay the expected release of his sixth book in the series A Song of Ice and Fire because he’s killed off every main character and needs to invent some more. Fans groan. Meanwhile, Peter Jackson announces a new quadrilogy is being made out of JRR Tolkien’s Silmarillion works. Fans groan.
. Just when you thought crime in Surrey couldn’t possibly get any worse, Nickelback makes a surprise appearance at the Bell Performing Arts Centre.
. And finally, Mayor Linda Hepner makes good on her most cherished of campaign promises. Although it’s $200 million over budget and located at an extremely inconvenient spot, Surrey gets its first ferris wheel. Reporter goes for a ride, falsely declares he can see his house from up there.
Adrian MacNair is a reporter and photographer with the Now. He can be reached at email@example.com