ZYTARUK: Columnist makes some noise over noise

Tom Zytaruk

So let it be written…

 

Ever try to write a column when people are hammering away — BAM BAM BAM — with hammers in the building next to you, on the other side of the wall?

Well, it’s hard.

I don’t know what they’re doing. Renovating, I guess. Building a better mousetrap, maybe. Perhaps conducting a scientific experiment to see what it takes to make a journalist go postal.

I’m sitting in front of my Mac trying to write some kind of sensible opinion piece here, ostensibly for your entertainment and God willing, edification.

Instead, all this bugging has got me thinking about bugs.

It makes me think that ants, bees and other such creatures existing oh-so-jammed-together are lucky that their heads, and therefore the ear-things attached to them, are so tiny.

Ergo, tiny headaches. NOT LIKE THE ONE I’ve GOT, RIGHT NOW. But it’s all proportional, right. Do I have a big head? Dunno. Some people have told me I do, but I think what they’re really saying is I’m a jerk.

Oh, there’s the drill now. Lovely electric drill. GAZUGA-ZUGA-ZUGA-ZUGA. Drill bit must be the size of a baseball bat. And — there it is — TWO hammers now, different beats, together with the drill.

My God, won’t somebody please make it stop?!

Amy Reid, the reporter sitting nearby, is holding her head with both hands. Her mouth is open, but no sound is coming out. I think she’s making a silent scream, just like that painting. Can’t tell for sure, though, ‘coz it’s so freaking noisy in here.

What’s that — are they yanking nails out of wood now? Oh, the humanity.

Did you know that according to the world population clock there’s 7,331,690,732, no wait, 7,331,690, 821, no wait, 7,331,690,903, no…well, there’ll be a lot more of us by the time you read this.

(Oh, there’s a tink, tink, tink now. High pitch. I think it might be a ball-peen hammer).

Anyway, that makes for a lot of neighbours, doesn’t it? And we’ve all had ’em. The early riser Harley fan. The stereo guy with bass set on stun. The loud talker. The screamer. The all-of-the-above idiot.

Well, for those of us who make it to 2050, the United Nations Department of Economic and Social Affairs project the world’s population to reach 9.6 billion by then.

And that, dear reader, can only mean one thing: More neighbours.

Ah?

What new annoyances will be invented, between now and then? Think about it, eh.

If ever there was a time to invest in interplanetary spaceflight research, and finding new planets to call home, it’s now.

Also if somebody could invent a silent hammer, that’d be pretty cool too.

 

So let it be done…

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