So let it be written…
People often remember what they were doing on the day, maybe even down to the minute, when an historically significant event shakes things up. For example, I was buying a skateboard in a department store in Van Nuys, in California, when they announced over the radio that Elvis died. That was on August 16, 1977.
I was just 11, and didn’t know very much about Elvis other than that he was a really famous singer who wore a lot of rhinestones. But I remember what the store aisle looked like, and what that charcoal skateboard felt like in my hands.
On Tuesday night, of course, big history was made.
Not so much that Trump won, but that finally, finally, finally that hives-inducing, mortifyingly stupid U.S. election is over.
“She’s a crook, no he’s a crook, shut up, no you shut up…”
How will you remember it?
I was kind of surprised, at the outset of each presidential debate, that they didn’t come out swinging giant inflatable clown hammers at each other.
Talk about lowering the bar!
It brings to mind that South Park episode where ocean explorer James Cameron ventures 50,000 feet deep in a submersible in an effort to “raise the bar.”
Trump and Clinton haven’t just lowered the bar; they’ve welded it to the ocean floor.
I remember saying to my wife and kids, a few days before the election, that whoever loses, be it Trump or Clinton, that person will likely have to flee the U.S. under cover of darkness and if a country is sufficiently addled on paste to grant the loser asylum, I hope to Jesus it’s not ours.
While Trump and Clinton each deserve Grand Canyons full of blame for making Uncle Sam look like a pack mule’s ass, let’s not forget the shrieking heads in TV medialand who nightly left viewers fazed, dazed and amazed with their shockingly banal commentary.
The junk they were pushing was the crack cocaine of political voyeurism.
I confess, I was mesmerized. Probably need counselling, too.
Part of my therapy is listening to that tune Tom Petty wrote in 1987, Jammin’ Me.
Now the election is over, please, take back CNN.
Take back Don Lemon. Take back Anderson Cooper. Take back all the political hacks who might as well have been nibbling on one another’s skulls.
Give ’em all some place to go. They’re jammin’ me.
They, and the presidential candidates they squabbled over, may well have sailed us over the edge, where sea dragons and krakens lie in wait to devour.
Have we reached the point of no return, then? Post-taste?
War heroes must be turning in their graves. You know, those soldiers who fought for something so much better than this.
What a legacy U.S. Election 2016 has left.
Hope the children do better. How can they not? A baby could crawl over the bar Trump and Clinton have set.
So let it be done.
Tom Zytaruk is a staff writer with the Now. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org