I’d make a perfect CEO for TransLink

Hi there, TransLink board!

I understand you’re in the market for a new chief executive, ever since you pushed Ian Jarvis out the door so fast it nearly blew his latest bonus cheque out of his pocket.

I’d like to offer my services as his replacement. I think I’ve got what it takes to be a top executive in the (theoretically) expanding field of public transportation.

I seldom ride the bus!

This is obviously an important trait for a TransLink CEO. I own my own car, and use it to get almost anywhere. I do occasionally use transit, and I’m certainly willing to do so if there’s a photo op involved.

On the downside, I should note that I would use transit more if there were any in my neighbourhood. Fortunately for my application, no bus has ever come within half a mile of my current home. It’s one of the fastest-growing communities in the Lower Mainland, with condos and townhouses going up like mushrooms after the rain and schools bursting at the seams. But thanks to TransLink/provincial planning, kids here are growing up without ever seeing a single bus.

I love money! I know, who doesn’t, right? You can buy so much stuff with it! So you can be assured that I’ll pretty much say or do anything to keep a lucrative position that last year paid Ian Jarvis $83,700 in bonuses alone. I mean, that’s more than anyone in my family has ever made in a year, period! And, like a good CEO, I’m full of creative excuses for why I’ll deserve ever-larger bonuses, even if service isn’t expanding, HandyDART is eroding, and the Compass Card project makes the Hindenberg’s last flight look like a roaring success.

I will weather the transit tax referendum. I know the real truth about the 0.5 per cent tax vote – it doesn’t matter whether it passes or not. Oh, it matters to people who need better bus and rapid transit service. Yeah, they’re hooped if it fails, since it’ll take years to come up with any kind of new funding plan. But for TransLink, we’re fine either way! If we win, I’ll take the credit, even though we were the main reason for people voting no. If we fail, I’ll blame the voters for being short-sighted yokels who don’t deserve transit in the first place! This leads into my final point…

I am willing to take the blame!

My strongest asset is my willingness to look, speak, and act like a complete idiot. (I do this all the time in my day-to-day life.)

I know that TransLink’s real job has nothing to do with moving people, maintaining roads, helping the handicapped get around, or improving the environment. If those things were important, the province would just step in and arrange things itself.

No, the real reason for TransLink is to act as a whipping boy for every traffic jam, late bus, bridge toll, pot hole and fare increase.

I mean, the premier doesn’t want to have to deal with a couple million angry voters on this, nor does the minister of transportation or any of the MLAs from the Lower Mainland. That was just as true back under the NDP’s tenure as under the Liberals, so I know that this is a bi-partisan kind of a job.

And I can do it! I’ll be the bozo, the fool, the guy who can’t add buses and can’t seem to manage a fare card system, and I’ll sweat and stammer at press conferences and act as a giant hate sink for everyone.

I think given TransLink’s past performance, and the requirements of the agency, my application is very strong.

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