SURREY — So if you're looking for an off-the-map Christmas gift, where do you go?
My mission, to seek out the weirdest Christmas gifts I could find. At least, those that are in the realm of good taste. The Christmas Store at Potters, near the Surrey-Langley border, identifies itself as the largest Christmas Store in Western Canada, so I gave that a try.
Weird, of course, is subjective but I figure I know weird just as well as the next guy.
I decided to browse in the traditional way, rather than surf the internet, where the sky's the limit but so is the gutter.
So this is what I found in the aisles.
The first thing that caught my eye was a bright purple Christmas Tree. I'd never seen one before —maybe I need to get out more often. Anyway, this one was 7.5 feet tall and cost $349.99. As they say, purple is the royal color.
Want to make sure you have Christmas carolers over this year?
At this store, they had little stuffed carolers, four for $99. A captive audience, that, albeit a quiet one.
Have you anyone on your list in need of a rubber horse head mask for Christmas? They had one at Potters for $59.99. Maybe it'll start a trend.
There's the Red Neck Spankin' Spoon, for $9.99. Also saw a big yellow Man Cave Cooler, with "Property of Man Cave" on it, for $99.99. You can put that one under "Cool," for being cool of course.
For the man-about-town, there is Mullet on the Go — essentially, a mullet headband — fashionably priced at $4.99.
Boxes of battery powered twirling spaghetti forks were on the shelf for $14.99. And if you eat too many noodles while you're on the go, there's the Public Toilet Survival Kit for $9.99, containing two antiseptic wipes, one pair of disposable gloves and one toilet seat cover. "Everything you need to survive a trip to a public toilet," the tin says.
For the busy executive in your life, there's the Executive Sandbox, desk-sized, for $49.99. This comes in Sand Trap, Construction Zone and The Great Outdoors.
Looking for an Inflateable Football Stadium Bar? It's here, for $39.99.
Maybe a Fire Truck in a Can? That's $9.99.
For me, the weirdest thing I saw for sale, at least to me, was the Black Bear Nativity Scene, for $99.99. Do they have bears in Bethlehem? I think not.
The runner-up, pun entirely intended, was the disembodied stuffed dancers legs decorations — or at least I suspect these faux gams were intended for decorations — priced at $29.99 a pair.
All well, you might say, as you sit in your armchair reading this.
I already did my Christmas shopping, you say. It's Christmas Eve and my shopping's done — what do I care?
Well, lessee.
I suppose it's never too early to start shopping for Christmas 2016, right?
Alright, already.
I'll be quiet now...